This is a philosophical-mind talk- post.
It was a rainy, gloomy, pathetic way to end the week. For want of something to do other than listen to the rain, I picked the Hindu Sunday magazine and was leafing through it, and came across this article. It was a travelogue. The author had visited Rome and had written her description of the city. It had a two line description of the author: “The author is a Japanese language expert and a travel-writer”.
That’s when I started thinking. I mean, if I wrote something like that and it got published, what would the description part be? “The author is a Management Trainee with a multi-billion dollar company, who is still unsure of what she is doing/wants to do with her life”.
All my life, I have always made it a point to own responsibility and not blame anybody else for where life had taken me or what I had done. It is my belief that whatever happened, did happen, because I had never stood up against what was happening, and had allowed it to happen. There is no point playing the blame game.
That brings me to where I am now. I have a job. Many people around don’t; that makes me appreciate it a lot more. I have a great boss and a super cool team to work with. I’m still in the trainee phase of the job, and I’m learning a lot- the nuances of the different managerial activities that take place in the organization, etc. But most times I wonder what I am doing over here. Deserving appreciations are given, compensation is good (but of course; never enough- heard of anybody who says he makes enough money?) and there is enough politics to keep me interested. But. Something’s missing. Maybe it’s the reduced time I get to spend with family. Maybe it is the fact that I come home only to eat, sleep and eat again; and rush back to work. Maybe it’s the absolutely negligible “me-time’ that I get- it has been ages since I ran, since I got a massage without thinking about what needed to be done about this report or that query. Maybe it’s the worry that these wouldn’t change- I see bosses and peers working just as long and hard as me. Maybe it is the guilt that instead of spending TIME with family I’m finding myself money on them and telling myself that I’m balancing the equation pretty well. Maybe it’s the knowledge that I am just another nameless, faceless contributor to the super-populated industry that garners the most revenue to the nation. Maybe it’s the knowledge that I’m easily replaceable- anybody can do what I do. I’m doing nothing unique.
Maybe I’m being ungrateful and thankless. But this is my life and I don’t want to look back on it after twenty years and say- where did it all go? I want to be a mum like my mum is. I want to watch my kids grow up, not wonder how they grew up so quickly. My list of ‘things that I want to do’ gets longer with every passing day- learn Russian and German and Spanish, learn the salsa, learn to cook super awesome meals, scale the Himalayas, go scuba diving, visit the Louvre, and Russia and the Niagara and the Singapore zoo. I want to cycle to Puducherry. I want to write a book. I wish to do so many things and I’m worried if I would be able to.
Now I’ll tell you a story. It was recounted by a participant- Gaurav, at last week’s Toastmasters at work. There was a hunter. He was a famous guy known for his bravery and hunting capabilities. One night he went to look for game. And he came back with a story. To the enthralled audience he said that that night, he walked into the forest that he knew so well. He walked and walked looking for deer or some game that his family could feed on, but to his misfortune, he found nothing. All night he walked and towards day break he was tired and dejected. Then he heard this earth shaking roar. He was in a savannah with head high grass and right behind him was a lion roaring for his blood. So the hunter took off on his heels and kept running till he reached the end of the savannah. What stretched in front of him now was a vast plain land with no tree or shrubbery in sight. The breathless audience asked him what he did then. “I climbed a tree” he replied, smiling. “But how could you climb a tree? You just mentioned that there were no trees there!” questioned someone. The hunter replied- “My friend, there is ALWAYS a tree. You just have to look for it!”
So today I started on my French again. I’m going to start running from Monday. (I’m hoping that once I publicize it thus, I will have no choice but to do it, if I ever have any inhibitions about getting out of bed on Monday morning). I have a crazy idea that might make a good book. And I am hoping that whatever plans I have inside my head work out well. I believe I found my tree